BREAKING: Philosophers Worldwide Down Tools, Demand Nothing in Particular
Dateline: Everywhere and Nowhere, Simultaneously
In an unprecedented move that has baffled governments, confounded AI, and caused a nationwide shortage of question marks, philosophers across the globe have embarked on an indefinite strike.
“What do you want?” shouted the assembled journalists outside Plato’s Athens bungalow.
Plato appeared briefly at a balcony window and said:
> “We’re not sure that ‘want’ is a meaningful construct.”
Before anyone could follow up, he shut the curtains and was later seen feeding a tortoise.
Anonymous sources within the Taoist community say their members are “perfectly content” with the strike and have used the time to practise the ancient art of doing absolutely nothing, “but with intent.”
AI systems have been scrambling to pick up the slack, offering quickfire answers to life’s biggest questions:
“What is the meaning of life?” → 42.
“How do you like your tea?” → British Standard Temperature, Milk Ratio 2:1.
“Is there free will?” → Yes. Unless No.
Without philosophers to interrogate the questions, however, the answers have begun to degrade. Citizens report a creeping sense that their GPS instructions are more confident than correct, and several cities have simultaneously moved five miles to the left.
At the UN’s emergency “Save Philosophy” summit, negotiators tried again:
“When will you come back to work?”
The philosophers, speaking via a rotating panel of thinkers in togas, cardigans, and avant-garde knitwear, replied:
> “Time is a social construct, lunch doubly so.”
Meanwhile, in Britain, the lack of philosophical oversight has caused the simple act of making tea to collapse into chaos. Reports indicate people are frozen mid-kitchen, paralysed by existential dread over whether ‘strong’ is a flavour or a feeling.
Sources close to Aristotle say he has been “mildly amused” by the chaos but insists the strike is “just a thought experiment taken to its logical, and illogical, conclusion.”
The philosophers are expected to return to work eventually, but not because they’ve been convinced. As one unnamed Stoic put it while queueing for a bus that might not exist:
> “The strike is the answer. But also the question. But also… have you got a light?”
Until then, the world waits, adrift between an AI that knows everything and a philosophy that insists knowing everything is the wrong approach. Because maybe the real crisis isn’t the absence of answers at all — it’s the absence of questions worth living with.
Fin
Hope you've enjoyed today's departure.
M