The Lingering Echoes of Schoolyard Sarcasm: Navigating ADHD and Nonconformity
A guide for people, parents, and partners
School years often etch deep impressions on our psyches, especially for those of us who danced to a different rhythm - be it due to ADHD or simply a spirit that resisted conformity. The corridors of education, meant to nurture, sometimes echo with criticisms that have left lasting imprints.
Reflecting on my own journey, I recall the sting of labels: "lacks commitment," "disorganised," "poor attitude," "doesn't concentrate," "needs discipline." Such feedback wasn't just words; I realise now they were judgments that shaped my self-perception. The sarcasm, often masked as humour, cut deep, leaving wounds that healed slowly, if at all. Parents' evenings became dreaded events, anticipating a barrage of negativity (I suspect for my parents too!).
This isn't a solitary experience. Many with ADHD or those who simply don't fit the traditional mould face similar critiques. Studies have shown that children with ADHD frequently receive negative feedback from adults due to behaviours perceived as inappropriate, impacting their self-esteem and relationships. One study suggests that by aged 10, a child with ADHD receives 20,000 more negative critical and corrective messages than their nuerotypical peers. To state the obvious, bloody hell.
These external criticisms often cultivate a harsh inner critic. I grapple with a relentless voice that questions my worth and abilities, a common struggle among those who've faced persistent negative feedback. This internal dialogue erodes confidence and can lead to overreactions when we feel judged or inadequate.
For those supporting individuals like me, your role is pivotal. While addressing improvement areas is essential (like, really essential, probably more on this later), balancing critiques with affirmations is equally crucial. Research indicates that positive reinforcement can significantly enhance self-esteem and motivation in children with ADHD.
So here are my tips, in no order and probably incomplete (there i go again)
Highlight Strengths: Acknowledge and celebrate the unique talents and achievements, no matter how small. This fosters a sense of competence and value.
Park the judgement: I know this is maddening. It may seem incredible that someone has forgotten the thing you told them 15 seconds ago, but it’s not because they weren’t paying attention or a lazy, feckless loser. It might be how their brain shuffles information around.
Constructive Feedback: Frame critiques in a way that focuses on behaviour, not character. For example, "Let's work on organising your study schedule together," instead of "You're so disorganised.".
Open Dialogue: Encourage conversations about feelings and experiences. Active listening can provide insights into their world and strengthen your bond.
Consistent Routines: Establishing predictable routines can provide a sense of security and help manage tasks more effectively.
As for that inner critic, here's a tip: give it a ridiculous voice. Mine sounds like Danny Dyer saying, "You muppet!" It’s harder to take the negativity seriously when it's delivered in a comical tone.
The shadows of past criticisms can loom large, but we can rewrite the narrative with conscious effort and supportive allies. By balancing feedback with empathy and encouragement, parents and partners can play a transformative role in building resilience and self-worth in those who tread the unconventional path. Because, after all, that’s why you like us right?
Peace, love and happiness,
MP